Take This Job and Love It
In about a week it’ll be my three month anniversary at the new job. I am feeling good about life at The Ponderosa nowadays: I’m contributing, learning, being challenged and finally feel like a member of the team.
But it wasn’t always this way. Oh no. Up until about a few weeks ago I was a hairball of anxiety. I think the perfect storm of a) starting a new job for the first time in 8 years and b) underestimating how much and how long of a transition it would be turned into a recipe for Mental Disaster 2010.
Poor Girlfriendy. For literally two months our evening conversations went something like this:
Mondays
Girlfriendy: How was your day, sweetheart?
Trailing Geek: OMG EVERYONE HATES ME!! THEY’RE TOTALLY GOING TO FIRE ME!
Tuesdays
Girlfriendy: How did your day go, honey?
Trailing Geek: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING!! I’M A TOTAL FAILURE!! I BET THEY REGRET EVER HIRING ME!
Wednesdays
Girlfriendy: Did you have a nice day, darling?
Trailing Geek: I’M AN IMPOSTER! A FAKE! A FRAUD! I SHOULD JUST MOVE BACK TO METROPOLIS!
Thursdays
Girlfriendy: How was work, my love?
Trailing Geek: NOBODY AT WORK LIKES ME!! I DON’T FIT IN! I’M INVISIBLE! A MIME! A MUTE!
Fridays
Girlfriendy: How did things go today, sweetie?
Trailing Geek: I’M IN THE WRONG FIELD!! I DON’T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES! I SHOULD QUIT! AAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!
As you can tell, I am somewhat prone to hyperbole and overreaction. Just a wee bit. But that’s really how I felt, every day. Girlfriendy kept telling me it took 3-6 months to settle in to a new job, but my anxiety was so thick I couldn’t believe her. I was flooded with fear.
At my last company I was the most, and really the only, technical person. One thing I was really looking forward to with the new job was having technical colleagues and being part of a team, instead of an island unto myself. Well, I got what I wished for, and then some. The Ponderosa has by far the most technical people I’ve ever worked alongside, and it was a huge adjustment. As confident as I was in my own abilities, it was daunting at first. It was hard to find my own voice amidst all the other, louder, more established, and let’s face it, male voices.
Geek Feminism Blog had a great post this spring about self-confidence tricks for women in STEM, where it talked about “cultivating your shield of arrogance.” Well, that’s exactly what I did. I told The Little Hater to beat it. Get outta here. Shield activated. I am awesome and I belong. Once I started showing up for work each day with my self-esteem intact, suddenly my co-workers weren’t so intimidating and I didn’t feel like such the odd one out. I started bringing to the table all the experience and skills they hired me for.
I guess I expected perfection from Day 1 (was that too much to ask?). And anything less than perfection meant failure. Once I moved past the completely unrealistic expectations I had for myself, and accepted that I was in fact human, things didn’t seem so dire. In fact, they quickly became pretty great. It was probably great the entire time, I just needed to relax and not take things so seriously. It’s okay to feel awkward at times. But it only means I feel awkward, not that I don’t belong in the tech industry and should clear out my desk and return my paycheck immediately.
So for the 10,298th time, Girlfriendy was right. It does take 3-6 months to get your legs under you at a new job. And for the 4,394th time, I should have listened to her from the beginning. When we relocate again after she’s done with her Ph.D. and it’s time for me to start somewhere again anew, I’ll be ready.